3. Confusion and the Nice Boy
In this society, morality is gender-specific. Good and evil (or good and bad, which are the words actually used) have different flavors and dynamics, as well as different manifestations, depending on sex.
You see, for little girls, good is an active state *, a condition of maintaining self-control and being true to one's primal nice nature. Bad is passive, relaxing sinfully into a weak uncontrolled state, like wetting your pants instead of keeping a tight grip on things. Thus, the bad girl is remonstrated and told in one way or another to discipline herself or else lose social approval and be held in contempt.
Meanwhile, for little boys, good is a passive state, where one refrains from this or that, does not do those things that little boys are inclined by nature to do, and bad is actively taking control of the situation, insisting on being true to your nasty little-boy nature, like reaching down, unzipping your fly, and taking a piss against the side of the building. Bad boys are intimidated into acquiescence and told, in essence, to surrender or be punished with considerable wrath.
Thus, the archetype of proud womanhood is the crinolined and crisply spoken lady who asserts herself in mixed company by insisting that the men not be overtly crude in her presence. The archetype of bluff manliness is found in the wild, undisciplined hell-raiser who asserts himself by riding his motorcycle into the church, drinking all the communion wine, and belching loudly.
Compare these images with their reverses -- the prim, meticulous man speaking with dignified outrage when his coworkers have loosened their ties or dared to wear short skirts on a hot day...the unrestrainable woman in dirty t- shirt who turns down a request for a date by loudly replying that she's on the rag, no thanks...these last are far less commonly portrayed as valid, positive images, far more often as the objects of ridicule and negative example.
For those of us who, as children, reacted differently to the rules of right and wrong, outside of the patterns expected of the self-possessed, there were few John Housemans and Bette Midlers for role models; we weren't often seen as "proper little gentlemen" or in terms of "girls will be girls". Regardless of how twisted the rules of the world may be, little distinction is made between obeying them and obeying your own, or between obeying your own and living without rules; only the first and last categories are recognized, and you will be seen as (and pretty much pushed into) one or the other. For little boys, being self-disciplined tends to double-bind you, for in contending with adults, you are a boy (and we know what they're like), thought by other boys to be a sissy, and scared of punishment. For the privilege of trying to earn the trust and respect of adults without being intimidated by them, you pay a price: add it up and divide by the span of childhood, and you find no approval, save for that of your uncertain self.
* * *
* which is not the same as saying that for girls it's considered good to be active.
Boys have ears. The world speaks and tells you girls are gentle, and that's nice...girls care about people, and that's nice...girls are more mature, not troublemakers, and that's nice...girls have a certain sensitivity to things of quality, and that's nice...girls are neat and careful, and that's nice...girls are good and willing workers, and that's nice...girls like pretty things, and that's nice...girls are smart and make good grades, and that's nice...and girls don't try to hurt people, and that's nice. They say things about boys, too, and as an adult, I've heard racist whites say things like that about blacks. I've heard preachers say things like that about the devil. I've heard policemen and judges say things like that about criminals. I've heard the moralists say things like that about homosexuals. I've even heard other boys say things like that about people they didn't like. They aren't things held in high regard. They are not considered to be desirable traits. They are not nice. I heard them say things like that about boys. Now, I don't know if little girls understand that women are included when the teachers say men from England settled our country. But I understood I was included when they said something about boys. I was definitely a boy. I heard them say these things about boys. And I heard. And I heard. And I heard. I also heard them say they wished boys were more like girls.
Hey, you adults, notice, come on, notice, I'm a nice boy, a good boy, am I doing it correctly, can you tell? If it's good to be gentle, am I gentle, can you see, is it good that I'm gentle? Am I kind enough to be called nice? Should I try harder? Am I innocent of what you call boys? Do I pass? Am I sensitive and that's nice? Am I insensitive and that's not nice? How am I doing? I thought I was sensitive, am I all wrong? Am I kind and sweet? Do I hurt people? Do you approve? If these things are all good and I have them, does it count? Is there something I'm missing? I'm not well liked by the other kids, but I'm doing it right anyway, does that count? Does trying hard count? Oh, I can't be doing all that bad! I know who I am, and I am gentle and I am kind and I am respectrul of all people, and I am trustworthy and I am sensitive, to others and to myself, and I am these things that are nice and I am these things that are good, so you've got to notice eventually! Some day they will all get around to telling me I am nice and good, because I do things that are nice and good, and that is how I am, and the only thing else is me, who I am, that's good, too isn't it? There's nothing wrong with me, is there? Even though lots of people don't like me? Some day they will get around to telling me they've noticed, and they'll tell me I'm good, and I'll see the warmth in their eyes...in the mean time, I will just have to wait, because I am also very patient...
* * *
To make your own rules and live by them strikes me as a healthy and responsible appproach to living in this world, but at the bottom of my head lay a foundation of rules and codes which were taught to me by the adults: my parents, primarily, with subsequent embellishments from teachers and other grownups. At some point along the line I was definitely making my own value judgments, would freely argue with teachers and relatives and the like, and so forth, but I had a core of conservatism, of essentially Nazi-like loyalty to the rules, to a sense of order that was based on the idea that the adults knew what they were talking about ó they knew how you were supposed to live and behave, and it was wrong to disregard that.
This was all part of the same kind of "niceness" that little girls are taught, and which molds them into such tractable and agreeable little members of society. I was embracing the same pattern. In emulating the girls, I was capitulating to the rule of adults and to their attempt to control us according to their own needs and convenience. I went for years without really questioning these foundation-level rules, and much of what I believed and lived by was based on them.
As I became increasingly dependent on adult intervention to protect me from violence or harassment from other kids (mainly boys), it only became that much more important to believe in the absolute correctness of the rules and the rule-makers, because I believed so fervently in complete and effective enforcement of them.
And yet my reliance on adult authority to support my right to be me often left me in the lurch. Teachers and other adult authority figures wouldn't always stick up for me, wouldn't always believe me, would be impatient and unhelpful. At first, I attributed it all to the fact that they didn't yet know me, and therefore didn't really believe I was any different from those who were attacking me. But too often ó especially from men ó I got the feeling that they simply weren't on my side at all. And that they thought it was my fault that the other boys were picking on me.
* * *
Sometimes when you're a young boy it seems like the adults want boys to be the way they usually complain about boys being, but the boys that are and do, get punished and treated like the scum of the Earth, but sometimes it seems like the adults still sort of want boys to be that way, anyway, and when you're a young boy you don't think about that too much because it makes you feel like you're asleep and having a nightmare and you start to get an awful headache and you want to scream.....
Table of Contents
Forward to Next Section