9. After the Walls Come Down
Let's play make-believe, you want to? I love playing make-believe, myself...in fact I got into more trouble daydreaming...but that's another story.
Let's pretend I'm a cosmic travel guide for a tourist cruise spaceship, and I'm booking Earthlings for an exciting vacation on the far-flung planet of Czilan (that's chee-LON, not ca-ZIE-lan...language tapes will be provided, of course...). Let me tell you what awaits you on Czilan. Mm, where to start? Oh, yes, of course!
There are two native customs which you will simply have to observe, or they'll send you back. First, no man may make any sexually aggressive advances, physically or verbally, to any woman, nor may he verbally invite her to so approach him. Second, no woman may engage in sexual relations at any time with a man to receive from it anything other than the pleasure of the intimacy itself. Keep those in mind, and I'm sure you'll do just fine.
What's that, a question? Why do they do it that way? Well, there are two schools of thought on that one.
One is that men and women have equally strong appetites, but men can't be impregnated if they are seduced unexpectedly, nor are they easily raped, given the added strength of most men and the tendency of a disinterested esthetis to have all the rapable qualities of well-cooked spaghetti. Seduction, yes; rape, no.
The second line of thought holds that men have a stronger sexual appetite, as a woman approaching a man in the time of her own choosing is less likely to be an annoyance, and less likely to make a fool of herself, than things would be the other way around. That's the way Czilannians think, anyway.
Men going to Czilan will find that they don't have to do anything, as such, to be chosen, although sharing themselves in mixed company and having many close friends of both genders tends to help. I can't promise you women will be crawling all over you, but it's unlikely that you will be ignored for any prolonged period.
On Czilan, the men are free from feeling guilty and secretly ashamed as a group for inflicting themselves on physically smaller women in a domineering manner, since that isn't the way it's done; nor do they fear the same from the women, who don't pose a potential threat to life and limb...and, though the men often claim to be endangered by the women, I don't think the women lose much guilty sleep over it.
Czilannian women don't walk the streets resentfully blushing/bristling at male reactions to their visual appeal as I've noticed they do here...our women have a certain carnivorous pride about that. They grin at you if they catch you watching. They can go anywhere any time, day or night, and remain undisturbed and unthreatened.
Women going to Czilan may enjoy the initial experience of being able to live unbothered and undisturbed for awhile, but in our last two tours, our female contingent found the Czilannian challenge...very interesting. How many of you Earth women want to find out if you are irresistible? Czilannian men pride themselves on being a challenge, oblivious to hints and posturing, yet not finding a direct frontal attack to be sexy or especially complimentary. It takes an understanding of what a man secretly wants to know how to stalk him. Many guys get a real charge out of being made to feel desirable without taking any women up on their challenge, but women are always claiming to be able to get any of the boys with a little proximity and time. As for visitors, some women need more practice than others to get the hang of it. In the mean time, the fellows assume friendly women make good women friends. They'll keep on assuming that a lass's intentions are sisterly after she apparently begins to indicate otherwise, being notoriously naÔve when...well, as best they can. You know, seeing how long they can hold out. Much more fun that way!
Well? Who wants to sign on for a visit? Oh, yeah? Sure, c'mon. Plenty of room on the starship. It will be a long journey, I'm afraid. Can't exceed the speed of light, you know. Why don't you all practice Czilannian customs on the way? You'll have the hang of it long before we disembark!
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Go ahead, say it. I'm still carrying the vestiges of the Grass is Greener on the Other Side way of thinking, right? It would only create all the old problems except the other way around, right?
Poor little boys, their reputations ruined by bragging girls...men as sex objects, preening and looking into mirrors, dabbing on cosmetic goop, looking to see who's prettiest...young virginal females wondering if they're feminine enough, talking about how they're gonna go score on some of that cock as soon as possible...condescending fellows saying to shyer girls, I'll let you do it to me...women arguing: I bet you think you're a real slut, don't you? ...boys learning to act dumb and sexually inexperienced so as not to frighten off girls...semi-nude males posing beside manufacturers' products on billlboards and in magazine ads...
Excerpt from trashy novel: passionately she kissed him again and again with an animal hunger that left him dizzy and confused...he knew she would inevitably have her way with him if he spent any more time with her, making him want to run like a frightened deer, yet the thought of never seeing her again filled his heart with an aching need....
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Still, say what you will, I've got my reservations for Czilan, and when that spaceship comes, I'm going and I ain't never coming back!
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To absolve themselves of charges of sexism, women must cease to think and act as if men are always and consciously trying to "score", that we never share with women the feeling that by making ourselves sexually available, we are offering a meaningful intimacy and leaving ourselves vulnerable (not merely vulnerable to rejection). While it is true that many men are indeed very aggressive and emotionally very casual about sex, there are many women who virtually guarantee that they will not find and enjoy the company of the others by projecting this attitude onto all men. Men do, after all, experience genuine sexual drives, which are fully capable of getting a man into a "sexually compromising position" without conscious planning taking place. To assume on the basis of gender that we don't feel the same mixture of delicate emotions when this happens is sexism at its worst.
Women who spend a lot of time worrying so much about whether they're pretty enough, or if a certain man really finds them so, should change their sexist ways, too: what room does that leave for male "pickiness" based on the degree of his emotional involvement? If a man seemed greatly concerned about whether or not women thought he was pretty enough, he would be seen as vain, shallow, and boring. Well, it looks the same from this perspective! Pretty enough? Enough for what?
Devil man and angel woman must go. There is no liberation of one sex without the liberation of the other.
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A friendship beginning, with the concrete awareness of such things more of an unconscious thing, as is the way of friendship. Excitement and joy at being in each other's presence. Smiles and awareness of the other. And such strong feelings, specialness, cherishing the companionship. Long looks and strange shynesses. Eyes, finally, that can't pretend, open eyes, honest, eyes into eyes to solemn, so tender, so uncertain, trusting, yet nervous. Tentative. Vulnerable. Intense. Scared. Gentle. Caring. Unguarded. Asking. Friend. Now this. Unteasing. Unchallenging. Serious. Personal. You. Yeah.
And now we wordlessly melt into each other's arms? Or are you waiting for The Man to make a suggestion? I hate rejection...let's get the attention off my appetite, okay?
How does a man know when a woman is ready to touch? To kiss? To begin fumbling with clothing? In short, how does he know when she Wants It? The old sexist courtship/dating script had rules: when she invites him into her place after The Date, and so forth; new feminist rules? When she says so. Hmm, how Czilannian!
She won't risk rejection either? Unfair of me to expect her to do what I hate doing? Okay...the co-reactive dance: micro-advance and micro-retreat, never an overt invasion of the other's space, no objectionable moves. Come out to meet me halfway. Every little step of the way. Oscillations. Flirtations. Waves. Tentative, intense, all the way in. Lots of suspense. Very hesitant. Nothing taken for granted, not sex, not love, not continuation. Keep raising the emotional ante. Tension. I like it that way.
Oh, you don't? Fine...say what you want, then. End the suspense.
Scared I'll say no or misunderstand? You don't say! Ahh, being human is so...
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But I'll never accuse you of leading me on.
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